The art of competing... and still maintaining your new friendships

I am participating in an in house Cross Fit throwdown/competition this Saturday.

I am completely petrified.

There are 4 workouts scheduled, 3 of which have been detailed for us already.

They are:

1. 15 minutes to find your 2 rep max thruster
2. For time: 30 front squats at 83 lbs, followed by an 800m run (or in my case, an 800m row) (demo here: http://vimeo.com/74785256) 
3. For time: (demo here: http://vimeo.com/74500403) 
1. 24 24kg KB swings, 12 lateral jump burpees, 12 knees to elbows
2. 18 24kg KB swings, 9 lateral jump burpees, 9 knees to elbows
3. 12 24kg KB swings, 6 lateral jump burpees, 6 knees to elbows
4. We have bets on what the fourth will be. Most likely some sort of carry (suitcase, farmers, goblet, or double rack carry), as heavy as you can for as far as you can go.

I am not petrified for the reasons that you might think; I'm not worried about not finishing, or pooping myself, or anything of that sort. I am worried that my perfectionist tendencies will get the better of me and I'll get really upset if I don't crush everyone in my path. I've only been doing this for about 3 months. 2 if you don't count Elements, and I know, I know, I KNOW how I get when things get competitive. You're talking to the girl who as an 8 year old would throw down her mini golf club if she wasn't winning and declare everything about the game stupid. This runs deep kids, very deep. 

I have a new bud, Tori, who expressed similar worries to me this week. We decided that we are going to keep each other's attitudes in check and get in each other's face should we start to take this way too seriously, and that finishing is what matters. It's about accomplishing all of these things in under a 4 hour period, not necessarily where we place, though I've already decided that I am going for broke on the thrusters. Sorry I'm not sorry. 

The funny part about this is that Tori and I are the same sign (Scorpioooo) and I feel like I intrinsically understand her on a metaphysical level. I usually don't believe too much in all that astrological stuff, but I see parts of myself in people who have birthdays relatively close to mine. I also can tell when someone is a Leo, a Cancer, or a Pisces. It's just about personality and chemistry. I can just tell. 

So that being said, I am hoping that I can get through this throwdown without throwing a temper tantrum and/or falling over and smashing my face on a kettle bell. Or someone else's face with a kettle bell. 

3 month slump?

I wish there was a machine that I could sit in that would melt off the fat that is covering all of my new muscle.

Because I know its in there. When I flex, I can feel it. I can't wait for the day when I shed off this flub like a sexy little butterfly coming out of it's cocoon and can show the world all the hard work that I've been putting in at the gym.

But that being said, it's kind of rewarding to be the weight lifting sleeper at my gym. To be able to say, oh yeah? 103lb thruster? I can do that for reps no problem (well.. limited problems, haha). With people half your weight and five times your experience. I need to focus on that feeling.

I am continuing to propagate the cult of Cross Fit, as a friend of a friend asked me all about it earlier this week and I was more than happy to oblige him with all the information his wee brain could handle. I guess my positive experiences, opennness and energy about this whole process is starting to seep out into the public space so that people feel comfortable asking me about doing this crazy stuff. Then the evil side of my brain creeps in and says "well maybe they think if that lump can do it, I can totally do it." And then I have to have a 10 minute cognitive therapy session with myself to silence that shit pronto.

-------

On a side note: I saw an old flame of mine this week, and it made me realize that I really do want a partner in crime. And if he lived here and not, oh, across the Atlantic, I have a feeling he would be that P.I.C. I need to put myself out there and meet some new folks (and Cross Fit is definitely helping to expand my social circle AND my confidence, so I can actually talk to people that I meet) and get this romance train a'moving.

Trapped in my own body.

Those of a certain age (i.e.: not in college anymore), a certain weight (more than ideal), or a certain mindset (stubborn as hell) will understand the above concept; I was approached by a girl who just finished Elements at the end of August and she gave me a great compliment: "I remember seeing you finish up your workout before our classes started and you always go 120%. It's inspiring." The humble side of me said "you'll get there too, it's about what is in your head, not in your body" because I 1) suck at taking compliments and 2) actually believe that Cross Fit is more mental than physical in a lot of instances.

But I still feel like my body betrays me sometimes. I am not feeling like I am making progress. I don't know if that is the perfectionist in me that is rearing its ugly head, because I know that I am getting stronger, but I want to see that strength and progress in a measurable way. Mostly in weight, and it's not happening.

Like, today, I went to the doctor because I thought I had strep throat. They took my vitals, and weighed me. They started the scale off at 150 (bless their hearts) and I was like, no, you'll need to bump that up. Maybe that was a little compliment, that I don't look like I weigh as much as I do, or they were just being polite. But of course, my mind wanders to the worst possible answer. Then they asked me if I had any blood pressure problems, which I have never had, and I got a little annoyed. Maybe they ask that of people who have a certain BMI automatically? I don't know. With someone whose blood pressure is rarely close to 120/80 (today was 112/71, for example), I know, again, that I am fitter than most people half my size. And fitness is often a measure of weight and inches, not of capacity. And until I figure out a way to make myself believe that I can't limit myself to measuring progress to just those pounds and inches, I feel trapped in my own body.

And I don't know what to do about it.