Trapped in my own body.

Those of a certain age (i.e.: not in college anymore), a certain weight (more than ideal), or a certain mindset (stubborn as hell) will understand the above concept; I was approached by a girl who just finished Elements at the end of August and she gave me a great compliment: "I remember seeing you finish up your workout before our classes started and you always go 120%. It's inspiring." The humble side of me said "you'll get there too, it's about what is in your head, not in your body" because I 1) suck at taking compliments and 2) actually believe that Cross Fit is more mental than physical in a lot of instances.

But I still feel like my body betrays me sometimes. I am not feeling like I am making progress. I don't know if that is the perfectionist in me that is rearing its ugly head, because I know that I am getting stronger, but I want to see that strength and progress in a measurable way. Mostly in weight, and it's not happening.

Like, today, I went to the doctor because I thought I had strep throat. They took my vitals, and weighed me. They started the scale off at 150 (bless their hearts) and I was like, no, you'll need to bump that up. Maybe that was a little compliment, that I don't look like I weigh as much as I do, or they were just being polite. But of course, my mind wanders to the worst possible answer. Then they asked me if I had any blood pressure problems, which I have never had, and I got a little annoyed. Maybe they ask that of people who have a certain BMI automatically? I don't know. With someone whose blood pressure is rarely close to 120/80 (today was 112/71, for example), I know, again, that I am fitter than most people half my size. And fitness is often a measure of weight and inches, not of capacity. And until I figure out a way to make myself believe that I can't limit myself to measuring progress to just those pounds and inches, I feel trapped in my own body.

And I don't know what to do about it.