Green light for unlimited fun...

I casually mentioned to one of the coaches last night that I was thinking about going up to the unlimited class plan at my box and he was like, you kill it, you should definitely do that. I told him my plan to do WODs 2-3 times a week and do olympic lifting 1-2 times a week and he said "MB, you kill it every time. Are you even sore?"

Little does he know, haha.

Truth is, I am sore, but in a "I just kicked ass last night and my body needs to get rid of this lactic acid" kind of way. Some tightness, some joint aches, but all that goes away once I get moving. That's a pretty great feeling, to see that my body is responding appropriately to the hard work I'm putting in.

That being said, I am scared. I am scared that if I move up I will overdo it and not continue, but the fact that I am mindful of my desire to overachieve and potentially overtrain will hopefully keep me in check enough to make the right decision.

I have had multiple people reach out to me in the last few days to tell me how proud and inspired they are about getting a window into my fitness life. I have to say that I feel a little weird, a little braggy, when I talk about this stuff because I don't want people to think I am showing off. Truth be told, I felt a little down after last night's work out and decided to list out what I did on FB as a sort of self affirmation that I need to cut myself some slack. I did more in 60+ minutes that most do in a week, hell, maybe even in a lifetime. When I listed it all out, I felt satisfied, and proud, of what I had accomplished. And it was for no ones edification than my own.

Mostly, I want people to know that you can start getting your body into amazing shape regardless of its current shape. I am proof positive of that. Hell, I am proof that you can be "in shape" even if the shape you see outwardly isn't what is preached to you in every TV show, magazine, movie, billboard, etc. I also want people to know and understand that fitness isn't always expressed by the body you show the world, its the strength that lies within that body. I hope that I inspire people because I am inspired every day by my friends and family who put themselves out there in physical, emotional, and professional ways that make me push myself to the limit more and more. 

And also, reading this article made me feel even better about my journey, because even if I don't feel inspired, I am inspiring people who I look up to.

To which I say, if you see a chunker on the trail busting her hump, or in the gym lifting heavy weights and doing burpees til she can barely suck in oxygen, give them a pat on the back, and tell them that you are impressed with their determination, will, and awesomeness. It will keep that person in the gym until the end of time.

Mean muggin and the art of lifting

I have been trying to take better care of myself lately and by doing so, I have developed a lot of focus and determination in all parts of my life. I am killing it at work, tearing it up with school, and generally a better friend/sister/daughter/person to those around me. And people are starting to notice. But mostly, I notice that I am in a better mood, manage stress better, and have a sharper mind than I did just a few weeks ago.

All of this is in spite of the fact that I am going through some crazy physical therapy for my continued Achilles tendinitis (stretching and strength training with a healthy does of manual scar tissue manipulation, which hurts as much as you think it does) and generally feel like my body is struggling to keep up with my aspirations. I keep going though, and I know it will all pay off. I mean, it already is starting to:

"You are so nice but when you lift you look...... so mean!"

Yesssss! I consider this a success.

I put 113 lbs over my head last night, and deadlifted 153 lbs. And still had a lot left in the tank. I can't wait for next time, when I start throwing people across the gym as part of a workout :)

“You can have results or excuses. Not both.”

I think I might have to get that quote tattooed on my body somewhere. It's pretty damn important to realize that you can make excuses or have results, not both. It took me years to realize that results might not look the way you think they're going to. It might not be reflected in the scale, but maybe in the way your clothes fit, or how strong you become. I was using my lack of weight loss to be an excuse to give up, when I realize that will come in time if I just keep going.

So with that in mind, as I stand, with an 80lb sled in front of me, I decided to just go with it. HAM

And I did.

Doing 4.75 rounds of my WOD (instead of the prescribed 4) with some extra push presses and ball slams thrown in, I felt amazing. And got unsolicited compliments of how strong my last set of presses looked. I also realized that 50 balls slams with a 25lb medicine ball wasn't that bad (I scoffed at my partner when she said, oh let's do the 25er, not the 20).

Seeing that kind of progress is what I need to focus on, and not say, the frustration of not being able to find workout pants that fit my ever changing body shape at Target (which almost lead to a dressing room breakdown at 6pm yesterday). I have gotten so much support from my friends, new and old, CF and no CF, about the work I'm putting in. I know it's paying off and making me mentally and physically stronger. I am more focused in and out of the gym, and I am less scared to go up and talk to people, or to try something new (physical or not). I feel more productive in my work life and that is translating to a stronger, less stressed MB.

What a great way to start off the weekend.

MB OUT!

How to confuse a Cross Fitter: Tell them to bear crawl backwards.

Last night as part of our warm up we were told to bear crawl backwards. I can barely do this going forward, and apparently I'm not the only one. When the coach said to bear crawl backwards... there was a hushed silence in the room, where I'm pretty sure everyone was trying to think about how to complete the mechanics of this exercise.

But somehow we all managed. Until I grazed my cheek with a 20lb kettlebell and miraculously don't have a bruise there. Yet. 

Today I am WODing again, and will see how I feel after 2 days in a row. Today is presses (which I love and haven't done in a while) and other assorted stuff (swings, single unders, and a rack carry). Different exercises than yesterday, so I will be 100% worked out by the end of it, and hopefully only 20% sore tomorrow morning. 

In more exciting news, I am wearing a new dress today that is a size small than I was a few weeks ago. I bought it thinking I could wear it right away, but I didn't like the way it looked on me. Tried it on last night and decided to rock it today. Much to my delight, I have gotten multiple compliments on it. This makes me feel like I am making progress even though I refuse to weight myself. 

I am also seeing a podiatrist tomorrow about my feets, to try and see if I can get an orthotic. I am also wearing my Strassberg socks religiously and can already feel a difference in my feet, ankles, and calves. So even though I look ridiculous when wearing them, I can tell they are working. This, along with a good regimen of icing (after a particularly intense lower body workout, like squats or lunges), or a good muscle soak (love you Pepsom Salt with spearmint) in warm water before  bed, will make the difference. I think that I need to remember to take care of my muscles outside of the gym as I do inside the gym. Stretching will also help facilitate this. Gotta keep on the routine.

Pep Talk

Why is it that relative strangers are easier to believe when they tell you to keep going, that you're doing great, and to not give up? Why is it such a challenge to do this for ourselves? 

While this is probably one of life's great mysteries, slowly but surely I am learning to cut myself some slack and, at the same time, give myself credit for the amazing things I've done. It took a Facebook message from a friend of a friend I had met a few times who has been following my blog from her new home in Germany for me to realize that I am being entirely too hard on myself.

So what if you're sore? You're human.

So what if you're tired? You've done a lot.

So what if you're frustrated? So is EVERYONE.

She helped me get my mindset back to reality, and reminded me that only I know what my limits are, and that I am an inspiration to a lot of people in and out of the gym. And it has nothing to do with how much I can lift, how fast I am, or what size my gym clothes are. 

It's because I'm fearless.

I went into this whole Cross Fit thing because I knew that I could change my brain and my body if I just didn't think about it too much. Taking a few days off, while necessary to get my body back into fighting shape, also made me feel like my mental edge was suffering from a bit of atrophy, which reared it's ugly head yesterday during the Ridiculous Obstacle Challenge I completed with a friend of mine. I am not a runner, and with my Achilles issues, I shouldn't even try to run, but I felt compelled to jog at the beginning because I didn't want people to go by me and think "oh look at the chubby girl.. it's so nice that she's trying."

I am more than trying fools. I am kicking ass, but just not right now.

I almost threw in the towel around the 0.3 mile mark. But luckily I had a positive person with me, who knew that we weren't participating in this to race, but using it as an excuse to get together, do something active, and have a fun time. By the end of the race, I was all for the crazy obstacles, slides, slip n slides, swings, etc. Because I didn't get caught up in the me vs. everyone else bullshit, and that is what has served me so well thus far in Cross Fit. Once that music gets pumping and the WOD gets started, everyone is too busy trying to suck in oxygen to give a crap about what I am doing, and that's how I like it. Let me focus on me, and I will put up awesome numbers. Again, that stupid mental game is the toughest thing to master. 

So I am back at Cross Fit this week, armed with a few new tools in my tool box to help me recover 1 ankle ice/heat pack, 2 Strassburg socks to help with my chronically tight feet and calves, and a doctor's appointment to see about an orthotic. Until the appointment, I am going to actively ask my coaches what I can do that will alleviate stress on my sore joints but still kick my ass. Necessity is the mother of invention, and maybe these modifications are what I need to make other parts of my body and my mind stronger.

I'll close by saying this: Be inspired by those who don't give up even when they want to.

Admitting Defeat... Temporarily

Sometimes I don't know when to push myself and when to stop. I'm pretty sure this endless cycle of "should I or shouldn't I" has lead me to my current predicament, which includes hobbling down stairs until about 12pm when my feet, ankles and calves have loosened up to the point of bending so that I can successfully traverse the various stories of my office without looking like I'm crippled.

I finally decided to go back to the podiatrist and see if an orthotic might help my Achilles tendon problems. I have been stretching, and doing heel raise/lowering exercises, in addition to my other strength routines and mobility exercises, but that doesn't seem to be helping. I bought an ankle ice boot to use after I exercise vigorously (i.e.: Cross Fit) to help reduce inflammation, but I am only marginally sure that will help. I hope I don't need some sort of surgery, as I feel like I am hitting my stride and need to keep going down this path or I'm going to go crazy.

I was told by a long time Cross Fitter that feeling like your joints are revolting against you is normal and that things will get better. "You're in it for the long haul" he said, but I can't help but feel frustrated. This isn't the occasional knee or shoulder twinge. This is every day, and its painful. I guess I need to admit when I'm beaten and do my best to prevent it from getting the best of me, but I can't help feeling like I am trapped in my own body.

I don't act, exercise, eat or feel like I'm in an obese body. I never have, and now I feel like my physical prowess, once again, is mismatched to my body type. I don't see a difference in the way my body is composed since I've started Cross Fit. I thought I did, but this recent round of frustration has made me doubt the progress I thought I saw. And it makes me scared that I am not going to be able to continue this activity that I love because my body isn't capable of what my mind knows I can do.

Man, your mind is one cruel mistress.

Frustration, thy name is MB

Last night I totally felt like throwing in the towel. I knew this moment was coming, but I didn't think it would happen so quickly.

I am having massive achilles tendon issues and I know that I need to spend some quality time with my lacrosse ball, the wall, and on the floor stretching, de-knotting, and loosening. I also feel like a complete sped with the fact that I row instead of fun, mostly because of the joint pain, not because I don't have the cardio capacity. I am trying not to get upset with myself, and know that this is all part of the process.

But it's tough for a perfectionist like me.

I talked to a friend of mine who has been doing Cross Fit for a while and he told me this is all normal. That I need to take it for what it is, go slow, and build, so that this is an activity I can do for the next 30 years of my life. But I want to be the best at everything I do from the word go, and it's tough.

So here I go, back again tomorrow, hoping for an upper body lift and no running.

Cheat Day Beat Day

Today was my full on cheat day. I worked out and ate super clean yesterday, so I decided to let myself slack a bit on the Paleo thing, just for one day.

For the record, I feel like garbage.

After last night's workout (shout out to Marmo who came with me to observe and put the fear of pooping herself mid workout to rest), a group of us went to Whole Foods and stunk up the joint by eating meat meat meat and veggies veggies veggies. Side note: I drank a 1.5L bottle of Fiji water, which was only $2, so either WF got more reasonable, I got too used to the West coast prices and am having East coast pricing re-entry shock, or this was rung up incorrectly by the cashier.

I was asked, mid Kale feast, to ballpark how many calories I think I burn in an average Cross Fit session (warm up, skill, and conditioning combined). I ball parked it at anywhere between 700 and 1000 calories, and honestly, I think that might be low. I used to burn 450 calories on a moderate to moderately intense day on the elliptical, and that 30 minutes isn't even in the same atmosphere as the stuff I'm doing now, so as a baseline, I think I'm somewhat in the range.

This means I need to feed the beast before and after WODs. With the right food, or else I feel like ass; the same way I feel right now, even though I didn't eat a lot today, what I ate was shit, and you are what you eat I guess.

I know that you should give yourself a cheat day every now and then to make sure you don't binge and feel completely guilty afterwards, but I am not sure that my black and white, all or nothing thinking, perfectionist brain can wrap itself around that concept. I do better when I have momentum; in this case, several days/weeks in a row of good eating, WODing, and good rest. I am now sitting here, with a slight stomach ache (not muscular, thank youuuu), and feeling completely guilty and ashamed of what I ate today.

This needs to stop.

Somehow, I have to get it through my head that you're allowed to have a bad day, whatever that might entail. I just need to know that moment to moment, I can change the day that I'm having by making the next choice a good one; for my brain, for my body, for my life. So maybe that is another goal to add to the list.

I'm a pusher

I am taking a friend of mine to my WOD tonight so she can see the process in all its glory. She, like me, gets freaked out more by the unknown than the known, so I think this will be a good chance for her to see Cross Fit in action, ask some questions afterwards, and then go to Whole Foods to feast on some paleo treats with my comrade in sweat E-dawg. 

I get excited, and nervous, all at the same time at this prospect. Like, a lil nervous tummy action as I type this, but I know it will pass. I hope she loves it as much as I do. 

Mental Game Part Deux

The mind game continues.

Most boxes put up their workouts the night before (or early day of). Some people use this as a way to decide whether or not they are going to workout that day. I use it for preparation: which shoes should I bring (if we are running), how much should I eat (if we have a chipper, I am going to eat more cumulatively throughout the day to have the energy), do I need to take up my achilles (for squatting, running, etc). It's looking like my schedule will be MWF 6:30pm for working out, and subbing in a Saturday at 10am should Friday not look like it's in the cards. I checked out the WOD early yesterday morning, and was like, cool, running, but sprints. Texted my CF buds to be like, SEE YA AT 6:30 SUCKERS, and went about my day.

I get to the box (first one for my workout, typical) so I can roll out, warm up, stretch, etc. I look on the board and to my surprise: L1 and Sweat conditioning workouts were the same: 1 Mile Run! That ungodly exclamation point was like Josh's (the owner) way of saying "Haha! Gotcha! You're here and signed in! YOU'RE DOING IT." As someone who doesn't advocate running long distances, I was surprised, but he said he does this every month or so to give people the chance to see how they have progressed against their last run. Makes sense. He also said that he doesn't always put real WODs on the website, because he knew if he put 1 miles run, no one would show up. So everyone will run one mile this week. We just checked that box early. And I'm not going to tell you when it will happen so you don't obsess over it for the entire day only to potentially psych yourself out. AGAIN.. that mental toughness is sometimes acquired via fearlessness, and that you will just do what they tell you to do without having a lot of time to think about the task ahead. Smart, but scary too. 

After a warm up of 3 rounds of handstands (as long as you can hold them), 15 swings, 5 goblet squats, a set of pushups (as many as you can do) and a bear crawl, we decided to start the actual workout. yeesh.

Push presses for the newbies today, and I put up 85 for 4 reps. I had more in the tank, and on 1 RM day for that lift I am going to kill it. I told several folks that my goal is to be on the board, and they were sufficiently jazzed at the prospect. It's a good goal to have, and one that I am pretty close to reaching. 

I mentally prepared for the toil of running, and approached Josh and said that I was probably going to race walk/jog, not run, even though I know it's for time, because I didn't want to screw up my achilles anymore. He said, oh you're going to row, don't worry about it. Rowing, while a different kind of torture, is less torture to me because all of my connective bits in my legs don't get thoroughly abused, but I still get one hell of a full body workout (lats, arm, booty, legs, etc). So while everyone went outside and warmed up with a few jogs up and down the hill, I sat, did a few strokes, strapped in and waited. Waited. Waited. GO! I start rowing (with a 12 person Elements class behind me), and at that point it's just me and the music. Stroke. Stroke. Burn. Ow, DONT FORGET TO BREATHE. Stroke. Stroke. Josh comes in and says ok: go to 1K. Awesome! I thought I was going to have to do 1600m (metric mile), so I am excited at the prospect. But the thing is, my ears heard what he said, but my brain didn't process it til much later. When I hit about 1200m. Thank goodness I had made a mental note of my 1K split time (a horrendous 5:54), but I kept going because I had more in the tank. I finally stopped at about 1400 and went outside to cheer on the remainder of my comrades who were crossing the finish line, where I told Josh the above story. Of course his response was "I ain't mad at ya for doing more." I felt good, winded and sweaty but great. 

Everyone stayed, including all the vets to cheer on the relative newbies as they crossed the finish line, which was really touching (even one guy, who I don't think would've known me from Eve, was like "There are at least 2 more people running, we gotta stay." That's classy folks)

For the record: Cross Fitters can run. We had several just over 5 minute miles in our group, and in other workouts throughout the day. So there.

Last word on the mental game for now. Some surprisingly great advice from.... Jennifer Aniston about mental game and happiness:

"If you're not happy, you can become happy. Happiness is a choice. That's the thing I really feel. Like with friends who refuse to get happy, who refuse to rise above the discomfort of where they're at."

Preach.