Breaking up with food / haters gonna hate.

Ok. To be fair we haven't broken up, but we're taking a break.

Taking a break from the insane crashes, the insatiable cravings, eating because I'm bored/sad/lonely/thing I'm hungry but I'm really thirsty/my friends are eating and all of the other excuses that we give ourselves to shove less than ideal stuff into our face holes.

I'm done.

It's not you, it's me.

As per usual, our brain tells us that we need things we don't need, and food is no exception. Since we all have to eat, food is one of the hardest things to keep under control. As someone who could fall into the category of "emotional eater" I have learned over the last few weeks to dissociate hunger from emotion. Eat when your body tells you, but when you think you should eat, or just because you want to eat. You'd be surprised at how often you're snacking mindlessly just because you think it's snack time or because you're bored and it's something to do during commercial breaks.

Don't get me wrong, temptations are everywhere! I went to a baby shower where there were sandwiches and cakes aplenty, but I resisted. People often blame their lack of self control on their circumstances, but your brain is a force to be reckoned with. You can't always hibernate and sequester yourself from the foods that you know are delicious but not on the plan. You have to redefine what food means to you, and find a way to make what you NEED to eat taste like something you WANT to eat.

Sometimes you have to know what to do when you DO encounter roadblocks or situations where you might not be able to make/bring your own food. Do your planning before you go to a restaurant, ask what is in a dish before you order it so you can modify it, and go in with a plan.

All that being said, be prepared for the human reactions to all those requests; people are not always as supportive as you'd think when you tell them you're on an eating plan (I refuse to say diet now) that is really working for you and you want to stick to it. Sometimes it's just people trying to validate their own poor choices; other times people don't realize you can have good time without a cocktail in your hand or a tasty treat on your plate (Note: as any of my friends/gym folks will tell you, I needn't have alcohol to dance or sing like a maniac, so I really have no excuse).

So, in the immortal words of the Avett Brothers: Decide what to be and go be it.

Vanity, thy name is woman!

First of all, I will refer to you Wale's song "Vanity" because I love a good local hip hop artist: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_1gPLeQxJuo and this young squire hails from the bustling hip hop capital of Gaithersburg, MD. Also his jam "Chillin" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZZLQ8HHLzL8 for the DC/PG shout out. 

I digress...

No one talks about the paranoia that starts to set in once you see REAL success with a diet and exercise program. I tend to be an all or nothing/black and white thinker, and that is most definitely applicable to wellness. I feel like if I put one pinky toe out of line, if I have one piece of cake for someone's birthday, one chip with onion dip, I will put all the weight back on that I've worked so hard to lose. Does that make me vain? Overly self critical? Am I really that vain that I think that how I look on the outside will make that much of a difference as to how people perceive me? My shape has always been one of the things I have never REALLY been able to control. I'm sure that feeds into my type A nature in all of the other areas of my life, and being a constant perfectionist.

Complacency has always been my enemy. In school, work, the gym, life, love, you name it. I try to be the best at everything I do. But my body has never really fallen into line with the rest of things.

I lost somewhere in the neighborhood of 70lbs a few years back and it was ridiculous. I never felt so amazing, inside and out, and slowly, I became complacent and it all came back. And that is what I am deathly afraid of.

After doing Whole30 for a grand total of 11 days, I am starting to realize that if I really want to achieve my fitness and sexiness goals, I am going to have to follow this diet, more or less, for the rest of my life, and I find myself mourning the loss of my good friends Mr. Carbs and Dr. Dairy.

I will miss them.

Food is so emotional, which is why people get addicted to eating and are obese. I am not one for being overly sentimental, but there are definitely foods that bring me comfort and that, when I'm having a bad day, I think about eating. I am more emotionally attached to food than I am to most of the stuff that I own. I think breaking that emotional attachment to food is what Whole30 has really started to do for me. Food is really fuel. I need to maximize the food equation in my head: food = (nutrition)^flavor.

On a rare occasion, food can be about emotion; I mean, I'll be damned if I don't get attached to that Thanksgiving turkey or that ever delightful mountain of stuffing I plan on consuming, but that is special food for a special day. I need to remember that enjoying that food is just as much about the taste as it is about being in a certain place and time with family and friends, and that latter part is what I should focus on more than the food. But.. if I keep my act together long term, big picture, with my eating and exercise, I can totally enjoy the occasional devil cup cake, cocktail, bowl of pasta or other treat. I just have to create a new, stricter definition of what a treat is:

Treat (n): something that is pleasing to eat because it is rare or a luxury. 

Well damn Merriam Webster, I guess you kinda hit the nail on the head with that definition. Works for me.

Whole 30 - Days something through 8

I have been doing sort of extreme Whole30, as I call it. Super Paleo. The whole "don't eat when it isn't light out" kind of thing has been tough, but I've been following it, except when feeling like I'm going to pass out due to hunger after the gym. Even then, I have a half of an avocado or a few bites of a chicken thigh and a ton of water to make sure that my metabolism keeps working through the dark hours.

It's been tough. It has been especially tough because I know that committing to Whole30 really means you're committing to cook 3 meals (or more) a day for 30 days. I was lucky enough to get my new Whole30 compliant (less 2 recipes) cookbook in the mail on Day 4 of my challenge, and that has inspired me to try all sorts of new things that I wouldn't normally eat or cook.

I can see a difference in my body, particularly in my midsection, in how often I get hungry, that sort of thing, but the biggest difference has been the quality of my sleep. I don't lay there awake calculating "if I go to sleep now I can still get... hours" like I used to. I sleep solidly for 8 hours and I wake up feeling rested and refreshed. Because I didn't drink caffeine but once in a blue moon, and I exercise regularly and intensely, I am used to feeling tired at a normal hour, so I was surprised that this was the area where I saw the first big change. I think it really has to do with the overall lack of sugar and the fact that my body has digested my last meal of the day far before I go to bed, and all that stomach work can keep you awake. 

I know I am not supposed to weigh myself during this 30 day challenge, but I couldn't help it. Over the weekend, I stepped on the scale and... was blown away. 8 pounds! 8 POUNDS! That is ridiculous, particularly for someone who has been working out ferociously for months and not seeing anything on the scale. 

This all drives the point home that what you do at the table counts just as much, if not more so, as what you do in the gym. 

Maybe I'll do a Whole60. Who knows? I know a couple of folks who are crazy enough to do it with me, and if I continue to feel this good and slim down this much, I'd be crazy not to try.

Aside from a potential cheat day between cycles (I am going to need some cheese) and on Thanksgiving (I am going to need stuffing), I might do a Whole60. Which means I'll be on this ride until December 12.

Let the amazing sleep CONTINUE

http://www.theclothesmakethegirl.com/2012/12/30/30-reasons-whole30/

Days 4 and 5 - The F Word

So many F words have been bobbing around in my head over the last few weeks.

Fun.

Friends.

Finesse.

But the one that keeps cropping up in my head has been FRUSTRATION.

And I know it when I see it. I know it when I feel it in the air around me. It's thick and heavy and filled with animosity. I used to have to rain on everyone's parade when I was generally unhappy with my life; whether it was school, my job, my social life (or lack thereof), dating, etc., if I felt like people were getting more positive attention than I, I would find a way to crap all over it.

This is a pretty major indicator that you need some talk therapy my friends. 

So, after many hours of forcing myself to express my emotions in a healthy, productive way, I realized that you can have a bad day, but you decide whether or not you make something of that bad day. 

Happiness is a choice. If you're not happy, you can get happy. You just have to stop blaming others for your lack of happiness. You control your mood, your actions, your tongue, your way of thinking. I can't really humor people who don't take an active role in their own happiness.  Again, this is not to say that people can't have a grumpy day/week. But at some point, if you're around me on a regular basis, I'm going to tell you to snap out of it, and do whatever I can to help you, should you ask for it. But otherwise, I will probably avoid you.

I am going through my own journey right now, and while that doesn't mean I am trying to self sequester, it means that I've found that if I surround myself with positive people, I am more positive, and more nurturing to myself and others. I am a better me.

Doing whole30 has started to decouple my relationship between happiness and food. Do I get really happy when I make something that is delicious? Yes. Do I get even happier when that food is also healthy and nourishing, and gives me the energy to take it to the house at the gym? Absolutely. 

Looking forward at some of the events I have coming up over the next 3ish weeks while I'm on Whole30 (a baby shower, a wedding, my birthday) I have to understand that a lot of events in our society revolve around 2 things: people and food. Food does bring people together, and I am trying to craft a plan to make sure that I am sticking to my diet but not alienating myself from the folks around me by not eating the food put before me. This includes asking friends who is on their wedding dinner menu and letting them know that I will eat what I can but I don't want to waste food (the guilt of doing that is what triggered the conversation more than the dieting did), planning ahead to have my own Whole30 friendly snacks and pre-meals before these events so I can eat what is appropriate but also have a good time and not look forlorn and sad. It has also triggered me to trying to find a fun way to incorporate the idea of a birthday cake into my diet (since I will be 2 days from finishing the 30 days, I can't quit early just because I'm another year older), finding meat loaf recipes to make a meat cake. 

Again, I chose to plan ahead so that, in the moment, I stayed strong and didn't poo poo on peoples' good times just because I am struggling with what to put in my belly. So far, people have been extremely accommodating and supportive. For the most part. I still get the occasional "why would you ever give up all that delicious sugar, flour, grains, pasta, rice, and potatoes?" but that response is mostly from people who don't understand what it is like to commit to a goal and achieve it, and reap the unforeseen benefits of that goal along the way. For example: I don't feel like I am depriving myself of the foods I can't eat; I feel like I am giving my body the chance to feel amazing by eating what I should.

And I do feel amazing, even just 5 days in. And that makes me want to stay the course.

Food for thought. Literally. 

Days 2 and 3

Day 2 was punctuated with a possibly related to doing  Whole30  headache.

But let's not dwell on that.

I woke up this morning to see the CFSS Throw Down pictures and results POSTED.

Results: https://dl.dropboxusercontent.com/u/17963994/Fall%20%2713%20Throwdown%20results%20%28full%29.pdf

Pictures:
http://photos.joefoleyphotography.com/throwdown/fall2013

And I actually like what I look like. My friends and I look strong, bad ass, confident, and ready to WORK.

This is exactly what I needed to get me through today.

Whole 30 - Day 1

Here I go again on my oooown.

Well, not exactly on my own. There are a few folks at my gym who are either mid-Whole30 or who are also starting the program in the next few days. Even though the start date for the box-wide expedition into not-eating-dairy-or-grains-or-flour-or-legumes-or-much-fruit-land was pushed back 2 weeks.

I am going for it.

I started by cleaning out my fridge of all of the crap I shouldn't eat over the next 30 days (jury still out on whether or not I shouldn't eat this stuff ever, you know how that goes). Bye bye milk. See ya leftovers. Hasta la vista cheese. I decided to give myself a clean start and go to the grocery store today to stock up on ingredients to make a few recipes I'd picked out for the week. This subsequently lead to me buy a Ninja home blender and food processor/smoothie maker system.

It was a very expensive day.

But it's a day that got me excited to get back cooking again. I made breakfast for the week, and a delicious pot of soup that is satisfying and healthy. I need to make sure that I keep this zest for cooking throughout the next 30 days as I won't be able to eat out very much, though there is a rumor that certain Chipotle items are Whole30 approved.

So if you want a great, whole, delicious meal anytime in the next few weeks, I'm your gal.

Because cooking for 1 sucks.

Womp womp!

Whole30 Starts.. tomorrow!

Whole 30 Challenge

My box is doing the whole30 challenge, starting tomorrow, and while I've done some derivation of this plan on my own, I have decided that the best birthday gift I can give to myself is the gift of feeling awesome.

30 days from tomorrow is November 11, the day after my birthday. I don't have any travel, training, or craziness planned between now and then, so there's no excuse for me not to do this for myself. I have been aching a lot lately, and generally feeling kind of crappy. I think this will help improve how I feel in and out of the gym. I can't wait.

I spent today doing a little life clean up: I cleaned my place, cleaned out my refrigerator and pantry, made my grocery lists, and started meal planning. I am a bit of a planner, and I know that I need to set myself up for success early on. With my Well Fed book at my side, I am trying to find inspiration for amazing meals.

I'll be blogging about this (hopefully) every day, going through the struggles (at first) and triumphs (hopefully sooner rather than later). If anyone wants to come and join me for a Whole30 friendly meal, let me know, as it always sucks to cook for one!!

The Ghost of Goals Past

I am all for goal setting exercises and one of my coaches, in their infinite wisdom, told me, after our Elements class, to write down some goals that I wanted to achieve (see: http://morbidobeastity.blogspot.com/2013/07/gooooooooals.html) 

So uhh... yeah, I found my beast mode tonight and met two of my goals. Well, technically I met one of my goals tonight and the other I've continued to achieve since I set it a few months back.

The first goal was to go to class 3 times a week and go in with a positive attitude, motivate the people around me, and compete with myself and not others. I finally realized over the last 3 months that you can only really measure progress when you are comparing apples to apples, and that means comparing you now to your past self. You have no idea what other advantages or disadvantages people have just by looking at how they perform. So every day I go hard and try to improve my own performance bit by bit through consistency and sheer positivity.

The second goal I crushed tonight. I wanted to get on the board for a lift at my box. And not only did I get on the board for one, I got on the board for two. And I know I can do more, but for tonight, this was good enough. I will continue to push myself independent of my performance tonight.

Strict press - 113lbs
Push press - 135.5 lbs

Thanks to my shoulders for not giving out. Thanks to the cool weather for allow me to grip the bar with purpose. But mostly... thanks to my coaches and fellow WODers that make me want to show up and work hard and have a blast every time I turn onto Garfield Avenue.

Requiem For a Throw Down

So last Saturday, as per my previous post, we did a throw down (aka: in house competition) at my Cross Fit box, composed of several workouts and a lift. My goal was to get a new personal record for my thruster (which I did) and finish the rest of the workouts (which I also did).

I was happy with my performance, for the most part, trying to keep things in perspective; particularly the fact that I've been REALLY Cross Fitting for just about 2 months (not counting Elements) and I am probably 100 lbs heavier than most of the people in that gym. But I did it.

I was happy until I saw the most recent blog post on my box's web site. There I am, in all of my double chinned glory, mid knees to elbows, looking like I weigh 400lbs.

I was pissed.

This came on the heels of talking to my coaches about feeling stagnant, trapped in my own body, and basically frustrated. Part of me was thinking they put this picture up as motivation, to get me to really commit to eating clean and continuing to work out. I was sad and ashamed.

Then, the more I thought about it, I realized this was an opportunity. This was a gift.

And that's when my night changed.

I went from tears to a sense of accomplishment. My goal has always been to get my picture up on the site. I thought it would be a bit more bad ass and flattering, but so be it. I made it. And I will make it again, doing something else awesome and strong. And I have decided to take it as a sign that my coach (who writes the blog) is proud of me. Proud of me for being in it for the long haul; proud of me for being brave enough to ask for help (a very un-MB like characteristic, for the record); proud of me for doing the throw down; proud for being so positive when sometimes all I want to do is pack it in and go home with my tail between my legs because I don't know how to compete with the size 2 girls that surround me.

But I am not competing with them. I am competing with myself. It's never been about being better or worse than other people to anyone but me. The people I workout with are supportive and fun and have told me what a joy it is to have me in the gym. How they miss me when I'm not there. How strong I've become and how proud they are of me. That's the reason I started this whole Cross Fit thing in the first place. I wanted to meet more positive, active people, and I found them at Cross Fit Silver Spring. I am doing something positive and healthy for my mind, body and spirit, and that needs to be the end game. The rest of it is gravy.

So maybe I, double chins and all, will be on the blog and someone thinking about joining the box will think "I can do this" and try. And if my horrible picture inspires someone to get off their butt and move, well then... my work here is done.