This article is like someone warped into my head via Google Glass, saw what I saw, thought what I thought, and did what I did at every social event (definition of social event: Any event where there is at least one person in the room, a space large enough for dancing and music either playing for real or in my head).
For your consideration:
1) Dance like no one is watching? When you’re made of lightning bolts, that’s not an option. I dance like everyone is watching.
2) Someone call HGTV because I am absolutely demolishing this hardwood, and this whole house is about to get flipped.
3) Take it from a pro: when a wedding invitation asks for your choice of vegetarian, chicken, or steak entrees, just respond with a drawing of a stegosaurus with a boner. You’re too smart for this shit.
4) But then I hear the deep, exaggerated voice of the DJ, and I know it’s time. He’ll start with the oldies, but I’m not an idiot. I take the floor immediately, in a land invasion that ranks somewhere between Beatlemania and Normandy in cultural importance. I’m out there with the fifty-something moms who don’t give a fuck. They’re not embarrassed to stomp their feet and get sassy to Aretha Franklin, and I promise you, neither am I. They instantly love me, cherish me, take me as one of their own. But while I do R-E-S-P-E-C-T my suffragette sisters, I know I will outlast them. At some point, this DJ is going to put on some fucking Pitbull, and when that happens, they will be the first to go. I have no mercy.
5) They need to get a little tipsy before they cut loose. One more vodka soda, to lower the inhibitions. But I need to ask you something: what the fuck is an inhibition? Never seen one, never had one. Too busy lighting it up.
6) Towering in stilettos, the best they can do is a step-together-step-clap, while I’m out here as sure-footed as a mountain goat. You see, I’ve already changed into my dedicated dancing shoes, silver and sparkly and frenetic, like a torrent of hungry barracudas. Between the rubber soles and my low center of gravity, no mere mortal can handle this. God help you when the DJ throws on some Usher.
I can't even talk at this point this article has me so amped.
Happy Friday to you all.
Song of the day: "On Top of the World" by Imagine Dragons
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