2013 -- A Roller Coaster Year

Winter -

The year started off pretty well; moving back home to Maryland for a job that put me in a room with some of the smartest, most thoughtful people I have ever worked with, being close to my family and friends, and getting into the home stretch with my master's program, these are all things to be celebrated.

Spring - 

It usually takes me about 3 months to feel like I have some sort of mastery of a task, job, activity, routine. This was the case with getting back into the groove of living on the East coast, but my job was still challenging and rewarding. I started to think about what my next project would be after I finished my master's, and I decided getting back into shape was at the top of the list.

Summer - 

Enter Cross Fit. The activity that made the second half of the year even better than the first. The people I've met, the inner physical and mental strength I've found, the way I feel about how I look, all of these things are priceless. To think that I sort of stumbled upon this community of people that helped me realize my own potential in ways I never imagined made me realize that sometimes you have to put yourself out there and never look back; you'll be rewarded, and I've made friends that I know I'll have for years to come. That's not easy to do once you hit a certain age, when your built in school and work networks are getting married, having kids, and are generally in a different life stage than you are.

Fall -

Degree: DONE. Goals: IN PROGRESS. Work: Going amazingly well.

I did my first Whole30, and that was life changing as well. I learned so much about how my body responds to certain foods, how I can feel better, not just look better, by being strict about what I put in it. I can't wait to do another one in January 2014.

Enter Kathryn Gracemarie Beaver. And I, of course, was at my sister's house when her water broke and I got to take care of my not-quite-two-year-old nephew EJ, much to the chagrin of my family, who knows how much I detested babysitting when I was younger.

My little niece who decided she couldn't wait any longer to be part of the action and was born early. Very early. She's a fighter, and even at just about 3ish weeks old, she has taught me so much. She's taught me to be patient, to not take anyone or anything for granted, to take each day as it comes, and that just because you have some downs, doesn't mean that your ups aren't just around the corner.

As 2014 rolls in, I am more positive than ever. I am excited to see what the next year has in store for all of my friends and family, and I recognize that in order to be the best friend, sister, daughter, and colleague that I can be, I need to take care of myself physically and mentally, and I look forward to being a positive part of 2014.

Happy New Year everyone!!

"I believe that my life's gonna see
The love I give
Return to me"

Life happens when you're busy trying to lose weight

I feel like a slight recap of the last few weeks is in order so that folks know why I've been missing in action.

1. I did not win my box's Whole30 challenge, but that being said, I've lost about 20lbs since mid October and I know that this is not a sprint for me, but a lifelong change. After a few days on and off the wagon, I am back on, and planning a Whole30 friendly Christmas meal with my family that would make the most discerning palate jealous.
2. My older sister, the day after Thanksgiving, was hospitalized because her water broke. She was just about 25 weeks pregnant, and was planning to be in the hospital on bed rest until she delivered. This happened to be a much shorter time period that we were all planning (and hoping) for, as she delivered my niece, Kathryn (Katy) Gracemarie Beaver at 25 weeks and 5 days. Katy continues to defy expectations, as she is taking 10cc of breast milk, breathing, peeing, pooping, and wiggling around on her own. My sister held her for the first time today and we keep sending positive thoughts her way. Our Christmas will be a little different this year, as I think we are all a bit more thankful for our health and wellbeing given this little bundle of joy's early arrival.
3. I had a massive chest cold that precluded me from doing much in the way of socializing. It definitely meant I couldn't see my sister or my new niece until I was better, but seeing as I am almost officially "well" I am looking forward to spending time with all of them this Christmas.

Given all of the hub bub in my life as of late, I think you can all understand why I haven't written much. But I was inspired to write today, and so here I am, thinking about the passage of time, the frailty of life, and how I need to make sure that I am healthy and happy, mentally and physically, for the people around me.

Some softy I know posted this earlier this week, and it got me thinking:

I realize that I need to take care of myself for the long term. As much as I might want to binge on sugar and wine and bread, justifying it all because it's the holidays and I "deserve it" that is a bullshit excuse. I deserve to feel amazing, to eat good food that nourishes me, and to finally look outside the way I feel inside. 

2014 is going to be the year of self love and self acceptance, with the idea that if I take care of myself, I'll be a better friend, sister, daughter, lover, and coworker to those around me. I am not very motivated to do things for myself, but when I frame it in this way, that I am doing it to be a better person for others, somehow it makes me want to commit to it more. I'm hoping in time I reconcile all of this, but for now, I'm riding this wave.

Happy Holidays all.  May you lift heavy and laugh hard in 2014!

Guns.

You asked for it.

Here they are.

Nevermind the asshole making the faces above said guns.

You're welcome.

Scared and excited

I am going to San Diego for work next week, and in an attempt to stay on the Whole30 and exercise bandwagons, I have contacted a box in San Diego, about 3 miles from my hotel, about dropping in to do 1-2 workouts (Monday and Wednesday).

Did I mention this box was pretty major?

For those of you not in the know, Invictus CrossFit is a pretty major CrossFit box with a specific competition schedule and workout group, sent a bunch of people to the CrossFit games (team and individual) to compete. They were that sea of emerald green in the audience going nuts during every event.

I think I bit off more than I can chew.

I am still struggling with all of the things that I can't do and I want to make sure that I represent CFSS well. And while I'm scared at all of the things I might have to scale, or how much I might look like an ass as a result of this workout, I think it's an awesome (AND FREE) opportunity that I have to take advantage of.

So if this time next week my ego and body are a bit bruised, I think I'll be the better for it. And at the very least, hopefully it'll keep inspiring me to make myself better.

30 for 30: Whole30 Edition

There were a lot of benefits from doing a Whole30. I definitely plan on doing another one soon, and trying to keep eating clean as much as possible in the mean time That being said, here are some of the things I learned/noticed/encountered over the last 30 days:

1. There are haters: there are people who are going to think the regimen you are on is ridiculous and unsustainable. They are right. But the building blocks of this diet are what gives it power. You see changes, sometimes drastic changes, in the way your body looks and feels, and the way you deal with cravings, temptation, at the like. And that sort of awareness is always a positive thing.
2. There are participators: there are people who will be 140% supportive of your goal . These are probably the same people who are positive and supportive the other 335 days out of the year. Use them as a resource, as motivation, and most of all, as guinea pigs for your new recipes.
3. There are couldn't care less-ers: these folks don't have any interest in hearing about what you're doing, how you're doing, or why you're doing it. They will continue to live in their processed food haze and pretend like you're not doing anything different. Until they see you lost 16.6 pounds in 30 days. And then you say TAKE THAT. Politely, of course.
4. Wheat makes your belly swell: I have had a belly forever. I hold most of my weight right in the middle, with relatively small (for my weight) arms and legs. Whole30 has been the only diet that attacked that issue in a way that I could see outwardly very quickly. 
5. You can make an excuse for anything: I made it through a wedding, a birthday outing at a club, and my own birthday without cheating. No cake. No booze. No dairy. No excuses. If you decide to do it, you're gonna do it. Otherwise you're cheating yourself and will always wonder "what if I hadn't eaten that?" 
6. I really do love to cook: I learned, with a lot of help from my friends and a few Whole30 compliant cookbooks (Well Fed and Well Fed 2), that I do love to cook. I've found ways to plan my meals so that I don't have to do a terrible amount of cooking during the week (and when I do, there is typically a crockpot involved or 20 minutes in the oven), and I am eating good, nourishing, tasty food. That's pretty damn satisfying.
7. Good meat and produce are expensive: I didn't even go the Whole Foods route. I stuck to things like Washington's Green Grocer deliveries, MOM's (MyOrganicMarket), and conventional meat from the grocery store, taking care to find all natural meat, and it was still expensive. That being said, it's cheaper than eating out all the time and feeling like crap. But I had to repeat that to myself every time I was at the checkout counter of the grocery store. 
8. My joints are less sore: I have had achilles and ankle problems for a while, and I noticed that I am much less stiff and swollen in these areas that in recent months. Bonus for sure.
9. I get less sleep but have more energy: I can't tell you how many times I had every intention of sleeping in but my body was not interested. It had all the rest it needed and was raring to go. My mind as well. It was nice on the week days, but annoying on the weekends. A small price to pay for mental and physical energy I suppose.
10. My vision has improved. It's sharper and colors seem brighter: correlation? No idea. But I noticed it.
11. Mental focus at work is better than ever: I can multitask like a maniac, but even this has improved over the past 30 days. I am able to retain information better and have noticed that I am generally less stressed out, even though professionally, life is BLOWING UP. 
12. Mental focus at the gym is also awesome: I can do more for longer. I don't get as fatigued and I am more aware of where my body is sore, stiff, loose, etc. 
13. Putting your adventure out there inspires people, even if they never tell you: I had a lot of people tell me that I have inspired them to do things they wouldn't normally do, like make their own almond butter, or start their own Whole30. I am hesitant to put a lot of myself out there but 
14. Don't put as much value on weight and size: I get that this is difficult, and I did weigh myself even though you're not supposed to, but that was because my pants were FALLING OFF and I needed to know. Just go with what makes you feel awesome, and if you think about it, eating garbage feels good at the time, but you pay for it later.
15. Understanding how to continue this program long term is hard: I feel like I might have some sort of Whole30 OCD or eating disorder because I went to the grocery store last night and wanted to get myself a single serving of birthday cake for tomorrow when I am giving myself a cheat day, and I couldn't do it because I was scared that it would undo EVERYTHING I've done the last 30 days. This all or nothing thinking sinks diets. I have decided that I will give myself a cheat meal/day every few weeks to stay sane, knowing that the cheats need to be "worth it." Soda because I want one = not worth it. Decadent chocolate dessert at a gourmet restaurant = worth it.
16. Temptation is everywhere. Be prepared for it: It is a side bar to #5, I know, but it bears repeating. You know when you're going out, or going to be surrounded by people who may not be the best influences. Eat beforehand, bring a snack, drink a mock-tail (seltzer and lime is my favorite) to avoid the whole "WHY AREN'T YOU DRINKING" questions, research the menu ahead of time, etc. 
17. This is easier to do when you have a group of people that understand what you are doing (#2 part 2): Find a buddy, whether it be via online Whole30 forums, someone who you know that is also interested in this sort of eating, even if it's not as strict as you're planning to do, that sort of thing. It helps to have someone on call when you're in the grocery store surrounded by everything you can't eat to keep you focused. 
18. You don't need to eat as much as you thought you did: Eating less processed foods means your body actually has to PROCESS them and break them into parts you can use, right? That means you stay fuller longer. Right?
19. Whole30 in the summer is probably pretty awesome because of the fresh produce: No explanation needed. Local and seasonal is great, but I can only eat so many sweet potatoes and greens.
20. If you are a lady, your lady cycle will change: I am all over the map in this area. Hopefully it will settle down or I'm going to just stand in front of the microwave and hope that it helps. 
21. I am in a much better mood all around: "Oh but MB you are so positive!" Not all the time kids. I've noticed less irritability and better mood regulation overall.
22. You get the chance to redefine what a "treat" is: A treat isn't something that you let yourself have regularly. It's something rare and decadent and enjoyable. If it doesn't fit that description, then it's not a treat; it's just crap that you eat. 
23. Don't underestimate the power of text messaging when you feel like you're gonna veer off course: Again - If you feel tempted REACH OUT. Someone will talk you down off the ledge if they are part of the group mentioned in #2.
24. My skin is much clearer: No sugar and lots of water means less zits. 
25. My nails are stronger and hair is shinier: Less sugar and more good, whole protein means your hair will rival the mane of a My Little Pony. True story.
26. Changing your paradigm every now and then is good for the mind, body and soul: Challenging yourself to do something is so much more fulfilling when you actually complete your goal. It gives you the confidence to do other things in your life you might not have thought possible. 
27. I am more in tune with when I am hungry vs. thirsty: Think you are hungry? DRINK MORE WATER. Wait 30 minutes. Reevaluate. I realized that coming home from the gym and eating wasn't about being hungry at all. I was thirsty, and the eating part came out of habit, and that's why I wasn't satisfied after I ate at that time of the evening. 
28. Don't let anyone tell you what you should or shouldn't do: As a general rule, I give people a shot when they have advice for me, but let me tell you, there are some crazy theories running around and you have to decide what lifestyle choices work for you. Don't be afraid to go your own way.
29. Eating, like anything, is a habit. Make it a positive one: You have to eat. Make eating about not just the consuming, but the planning, the preparation, and the way your body feels after eating. If you think about the ritual of eating, you take the time to appreciate your food and not just scarf it down.
30. As this ended the day after my birthday, I realize that this Whole30 was the best gift I could have given myself.

16+ pounds down and a new attitude. Whole30 MIC DROP!

BEFORE:

AFTER:

Demand More of Yourself

I saw this quote in 10 foot tall (ok, maybe 5 foot tall) letters Saturday morning at CrossFit Rubicon.

It was inspiring, sure, but what I saw going on in front of the wall with that catch phrase was what really inspired me.

Just look at this. Let this sink in for a second. A woman, pulling a weighted sled, with the heart of a lion. Look loser...

See the crutches? She has cerebral palsy. 

Now, what was your excuse for not pushing yourself harder today at work or the gym? 

Fear of failure/looking like an ass/not being the best?

I'll tell you what your excuses are; they are the same as mine. They. are. all. bull. shit. 

I was at CrossFit Rubicon for the 2nd annual Working Wounded Games. What is this event you ask?

This is the first CrossFit styled competitions that level the playing field for severely wounded veterans and permanently injured civilians. So all the crap that I do on a daily basis, but modified (and sometimes not even modified) so that individuals with CP, vision problems, prosthetics, spinal and brain injuries, can participate in CrossFit.

I was expecting to be inspired, but I had no idea how emotional the experience would be. The energy, the cheering, and the sheer looks of determination on the faces of the athletes are all things that will stick with me for a long, long time. It showed me the resilience of the human spirit, and how kind and fiercely supportive people can be of each other, even when competing. It gave me faith in the human race again, and I'm not trying for hyperbole. It made me want to find a way to support this cause. We'll see what happens on that front...

I didn't think that a sporting event could be emotional. If seeing someone with 2 prosthetic legs doing wall climbs, a man whole could barely walk down the stairs to the entrance of the box doing an AMRAP of burpees and power cleans, or a woman who requires crutches to walk pulling a sled and doing dumbbell snatches with tenacity, patience, and PRIDE... doesn't affect you emotionally.. I don't think I want to know you. 

With twice as many participants as last year, this is an event that will just get bigger and better as the years pass. I can't wait to go next year.

Breaking up with food / haters gonna hate.

Ok. To be fair we haven't broken up, but we're taking a break.

Taking a break from the insane crashes, the insatiable cravings, eating because I'm bored/sad/lonely/thing I'm hungry but I'm really thirsty/my friends are eating and all of the other excuses that we give ourselves to shove less than ideal stuff into our face holes.

I'm done.

It's not you, it's me.

As per usual, our brain tells us that we need things we don't need, and food is no exception. Since we all have to eat, food is one of the hardest things to keep under control. As someone who could fall into the category of "emotional eater" I have learned over the last few weeks to dissociate hunger from emotion. Eat when your body tells you, but when you think you should eat, or just because you want to eat. You'd be surprised at how often you're snacking mindlessly just because you think it's snack time or because you're bored and it's something to do during commercial breaks.

Don't get me wrong, temptations are everywhere! I went to a baby shower where there were sandwiches and cakes aplenty, but I resisted. People often blame their lack of self control on their circumstances, but your brain is a force to be reckoned with. You can't always hibernate and sequester yourself from the foods that you know are delicious but not on the plan. You have to redefine what food means to you, and find a way to make what you NEED to eat taste like something you WANT to eat.

Sometimes you have to know what to do when you DO encounter roadblocks or situations where you might not be able to make/bring your own food. Do your planning before you go to a restaurant, ask what is in a dish before you order it so you can modify it, and go in with a plan.

All that being said, be prepared for the human reactions to all those requests; people are not always as supportive as you'd think when you tell them you're on an eating plan (I refuse to say diet now) that is really working for you and you want to stick to it. Sometimes it's just people trying to validate their own poor choices; other times people don't realize you can have good time without a cocktail in your hand or a tasty treat on your plate (Note: as any of my friends/gym folks will tell you, I needn't have alcohol to dance or sing like a maniac, so I really have no excuse).

So, in the immortal words of the Avett Brothers: Decide what to be and go be it.

Vanity, thy name is woman!

First of all, I will refer to you Wale's song "Vanity" because I love a good local hip hop artist: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_1gPLeQxJuo and this young squire hails from the bustling hip hop capital of Gaithersburg, MD. Also his jam "Chillin" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZZLQ8HHLzL8 for the DC/PG shout out. 

I digress...

No one talks about the paranoia that starts to set in once you see REAL success with a diet and exercise program. I tend to be an all or nothing/black and white thinker, and that is most definitely applicable to wellness. I feel like if I put one pinky toe out of line, if I have one piece of cake for someone's birthday, one chip with onion dip, I will put all the weight back on that I've worked so hard to lose. Does that make me vain? Overly self critical? Am I really that vain that I think that how I look on the outside will make that much of a difference as to how people perceive me? My shape has always been one of the things I have never REALLY been able to control. I'm sure that feeds into my type A nature in all of the other areas of my life, and being a constant perfectionist.

Complacency has always been my enemy. In school, work, the gym, life, love, you name it. I try to be the best at everything I do. But my body has never really fallen into line with the rest of things.

I lost somewhere in the neighborhood of 70lbs a few years back and it was ridiculous. I never felt so amazing, inside and out, and slowly, I became complacent and it all came back. And that is what I am deathly afraid of.

After doing Whole30 for a grand total of 11 days, I am starting to realize that if I really want to achieve my fitness and sexiness goals, I am going to have to follow this diet, more or less, for the rest of my life, and I find myself mourning the loss of my good friends Mr. Carbs and Dr. Dairy.

I will miss them.

Food is so emotional, which is why people get addicted to eating and are obese. I am not one for being overly sentimental, but there are definitely foods that bring me comfort and that, when I'm having a bad day, I think about eating. I am more emotionally attached to food than I am to most of the stuff that I own. I think breaking that emotional attachment to food is what Whole30 has really started to do for me. Food is really fuel. I need to maximize the food equation in my head: food = (nutrition)^flavor.

On a rare occasion, food can be about emotion; I mean, I'll be damned if I don't get attached to that Thanksgiving turkey or that ever delightful mountain of stuffing I plan on consuming, but that is special food for a special day. I need to remember that enjoying that food is just as much about the taste as it is about being in a certain place and time with family and friends, and that latter part is what I should focus on more than the food. But.. if I keep my act together long term, big picture, with my eating and exercise, I can totally enjoy the occasional devil cup cake, cocktail, bowl of pasta or other treat. I just have to create a new, stricter definition of what a treat is:

Treat (n): something that is pleasing to eat because it is rare or a luxury. 

Well damn Merriam Webster, I guess you kinda hit the nail on the head with that definition. Works for me.

Whole 30 - Days something through 8

I have been doing sort of extreme Whole30, as I call it. Super Paleo. The whole "don't eat when it isn't light out" kind of thing has been tough, but I've been following it, except when feeling like I'm going to pass out due to hunger after the gym. Even then, I have a half of an avocado or a few bites of a chicken thigh and a ton of water to make sure that my metabolism keeps working through the dark hours.

It's been tough. It has been especially tough because I know that committing to Whole30 really means you're committing to cook 3 meals (or more) a day for 30 days. I was lucky enough to get my new Whole30 compliant (less 2 recipes) cookbook in the mail on Day 4 of my challenge, and that has inspired me to try all sorts of new things that I wouldn't normally eat or cook.

I can see a difference in my body, particularly in my midsection, in how often I get hungry, that sort of thing, but the biggest difference has been the quality of my sleep. I don't lay there awake calculating "if I go to sleep now I can still get... hours" like I used to. I sleep solidly for 8 hours and I wake up feeling rested and refreshed. Because I didn't drink caffeine but once in a blue moon, and I exercise regularly and intensely, I am used to feeling tired at a normal hour, so I was surprised that this was the area where I saw the first big change. I think it really has to do with the overall lack of sugar and the fact that my body has digested my last meal of the day far before I go to bed, and all that stomach work can keep you awake. 

I know I am not supposed to weigh myself during this 30 day challenge, but I couldn't help it. Over the weekend, I stepped on the scale and... was blown away. 8 pounds! 8 POUNDS! That is ridiculous, particularly for someone who has been working out ferociously for months and not seeing anything on the scale. 

This all drives the point home that what you do at the table counts just as much, if not more so, as what you do in the gym. 

Maybe I'll do a Whole60. Who knows? I know a couple of folks who are crazy enough to do it with me, and if I continue to feel this good and slim down this much, I'd be crazy not to try.

Aside from a potential cheat day between cycles (I am going to need some cheese) and on Thanksgiving (I am going to need stuffing), I might do a Whole60. Which means I'll be on this ride until December 12.

Let the amazing sleep CONTINUE

http://www.theclothesmakethegirl.com/2012/12/30/30-reasons-whole30/

Days 4 and 5 - The F Word

So many F words have been bobbing around in my head over the last few weeks.

Fun.

Friends.

Finesse.

But the one that keeps cropping up in my head has been FRUSTRATION.

And I know it when I see it. I know it when I feel it in the air around me. It's thick and heavy and filled with animosity. I used to have to rain on everyone's parade when I was generally unhappy with my life; whether it was school, my job, my social life (or lack thereof), dating, etc., if I felt like people were getting more positive attention than I, I would find a way to crap all over it.

This is a pretty major indicator that you need some talk therapy my friends. 

So, after many hours of forcing myself to express my emotions in a healthy, productive way, I realized that you can have a bad day, but you decide whether or not you make something of that bad day. 

Happiness is a choice. If you're not happy, you can get happy. You just have to stop blaming others for your lack of happiness. You control your mood, your actions, your tongue, your way of thinking. I can't really humor people who don't take an active role in their own happiness.  Again, this is not to say that people can't have a grumpy day/week. But at some point, if you're around me on a regular basis, I'm going to tell you to snap out of it, and do whatever I can to help you, should you ask for it. But otherwise, I will probably avoid you.

I am going through my own journey right now, and while that doesn't mean I am trying to self sequester, it means that I've found that if I surround myself with positive people, I am more positive, and more nurturing to myself and others. I am a better me.

Doing whole30 has started to decouple my relationship between happiness and food. Do I get really happy when I make something that is delicious? Yes. Do I get even happier when that food is also healthy and nourishing, and gives me the energy to take it to the house at the gym? Absolutely. 

Looking forward at some of the events I have coming up over the next 3ish weeks while I'm on Whole30 (a baby shower, a wedding, my birthday) I have to understand that a lot of events in our society revolve around 2 things: people and food. Food does bring people together, and I am trying to craft a plan to make sure that I am sticking to my diet but not alienating myself from the folks around me by not eating the food put before me. This includes asking friends who is on their wedding dinner menu and letting them know that I will eat what I can but I don't want to waste food (the guilt of doing that is what triggered the conversation more than the dieting did), planning ahead to have my own Whole30 friendly snacks and pre-meals before these events so I can eat what is appropriate but also have a good time and not look forlorn and sad. It has also triggered me to trying to find a fun way to incorporate the idea of a birthday cake into my diet (since I will be 2 days from finishing the 30 days, I can't quit early just because I'm another year older), finding meat loaf recipes to make a meat cake. 

Again, I chose to plan ahead so that, in the moment, I stayed strong and didn't poo poo on peoples' good times just because I am struggling with what to put in my belly. So far, people have been extremely accommodating and supportive. For the most part. I still get the occasional "why would you ever give up all that delicious sugar, flour, grains, pasta, rice, and potatoes?" but that response is mostly from people who don't understand what it is like to commit to a goal and achieve it, and reap the unforeseen benefits of that goal along the way. For example: I don't feel like I am depriving myself of the foods I can't eat; I feel like I am giving my body the chance to feel amazing by eating what I should.

And I do feel amazing, even just 5 days in. And that makes me want to stay the course.

Food for thought. Literally. 

Days 2 and 3

Day 2 was punctuated with a possibly related to doing  Whole30  headache.

But let's not dwell on that.

I woke up this morning to see the CFSS Throw Down pictures and results POSTED.

Results: https://dl.dropboxusercontent.com/u/17963994/Fall%20%2713%20Throwdown%20results%20%28full%29.pdf

Pictures:
http://photos.joefoleyphotography.com/throwdown/fall2013

And I actually like what I look like. My friends and I look strong, bad ass, confident, and ready to WORK.

This is exactly what I needed to get me through today.

Whole 30 - Day 1

Here I go again on my oooown.

Well, not exactly on my own. There are a few folks at my gym who are either mid-Whole30 or who are also starting the program in the next few days. Even though the start date for the box-wide expedition into not-eating-dairy-or-grains-or-flour-or-legumes-or-much-fruit-land was pushed back 2 weeks.

I am going for it.

I started by cleaning out my fridge of all of the crap I shouldn't eat over the next 30 days (jury still out on whether or not I shouldn't eat this stuff ever, you know how that goes). Bye bye milk. See ya leftovers. Hasta la vista cheese. I decided to give myself a clean start and go to the grocery store today to stock up on ingredients to make a few recipes I'd picked out for the week. This subsequently lead to me buy a Ninja home blender and food processor/smoothie maker system.

It was a very expensive day.

But it's a day that got me excited to get back cooking again. I made breakfast for the week, and a delicious pot of soup that is satisfying and healthy. I need to make sure that I keep this zest for cooking throughout the next 30 days as I won't be able to eat out very much, though there is a rumor that certain Chipotle items are Whole30 approved.

So if you want a great, whole, delicious meal anytime in the next few weeks, I'm your gal.

Because cooking for 1 sucks.

Womp womp!

Whole30 Starts.. tomorrow!

Whole 30 Challenge

My box is doing the whole30 challenge, starting tomorrow, and while I've done some derivation of this plan on my own, I have decided that the best birthday gift I can give to myself is the gift of feeling awesome.

30 days from tomorrow is November 11, the day after my birthday. I don't have any travel, training, or craziness planned between now and then, so there's no excuse for me not to do this for myself. I have been aching a lot lately, and generally feeling kind of crappy. I think this will help improve how I feel in and out of the gym. I can't wait.

I spent today doing a little life clean up: I cleaned my place, cleaned out my refrigerator and pantry, made my grocery lists, and started meal planning. I am a bit of a planner, and I know that I need to set myself up for success early on. With my Well Fed book at my side, I am trying to find inspiration for amazing meals.

I'll be blogging about this (hopefully) every day, going through the struggles (at first) and triumphs (hopefully sooner rather than later). If anyone wants to come and join me for a Whole30 friendly meal, let me know, as it always sucks to cook for one!!

The Ghost of Goals Past

I am all for goal setting exercises and one of my coaches, in their infinite wisdom, told me, after our Elements class, to write down some goals that I wanted to achieve (see: http://morbidobeastity.blogspot.com/2013/07/gooooooooals.html) 

So uhh... yeah, I found my beast mode tonight and met two of my goals. Well, technically I met one of my goals tonight and the other I've continued to achieve since I set it a few months back.

The first goal was to go to class 3 times a week and go in with a positive attitude, motivate the people around me, and compete with myself and not others. I finally realized over the last 3 months that you can only really measure progress when you are comparing apples to apples, and that means comparing you now to your past self. You have no idea what other advantages or disadvantages people have just by looking at how they perform. So every day I go hard and try to improve my own performance bit by bit through consistency and sheer positivity.

The second goal I crushed tonight. I wanted to get on the board for a lift at my box. And not only did I get on the board for one, I got on the board for two. And I know I can do more, but for tonight, this was good enough. I will continue to push myself independent of my performance tonight.

Strict press - 113lbs
Push press - 135.5 lbs

Thanks to my shoulders for not giving out. Thanks to the cool weather for allow me to grip the bar with purpose. But mostly... thanks to my coaches and fellow WODers that make me want to show up and work hard and have a blast every time I turn onto Garfield Avenue.

Requiem For a Throw Down

So last Saturday, as per my previous post, we did a throw down (aka: in house competition) at my Cross Fit box, composed of several workouts and a lift. My goal was to get a new personal record for my thruster (which I did) and finish the rest of the workouts (which I also did).

I was happy with my performance, for the most part, trying to keep things in perspective; particularly the fact that I've been REALLY Cross Fitting for just about 2 months (not counting Elements) and I am probably 100 lbs heavier than most of the people in that gym. But I did it.

I was happy until I saw the most recent blog post on my box's web site. There I am, in all of my double chinned glory, mid knees to elbows, looking like I weigh 400lbs.

I was pissed.

This came on the heels of talking to my coaches about feeling stagnant, trapped in my own body, and basically frustrated. Part of me was thinking they put this picture up as motivation, to get me to really commit to eating clean and continuing to work out. I was sad and ashamed.

Then, the more I thought about it, I realized this was an opportunity. This was a gift.

And that's when my night changed.

I went from tears to a sense of accomplishment. My goal has always been to get my picture up on the site. I thought it would be a bit more bad ass and flattering, but so be it. I made it. And I will make it again, doing something else awesome and strong. And I have decided to take it as a sign that my coach (who writes the blog) is proud of me. Proud of me for being in it for the long haul; proud of me for being brave enough to ask for help (a very un-MB like characteristic, for the record); proud of me for doing the throw down; proud for being so positive when sometimes all I want to do is pack it in and go home with my tail between my legs because I don't know how to compete with the size 2 girls that surround me.

But I am not competing with them. I am competing with myself. It's never been about being better or worse than other people to anyone but me. The people I workout with are supportive and fun and have told me what a joy it is to have me in the gym. How they miss me when I'm not there. How strong I've become and how proud they are of me. That's the reason I started this whole Cross Fit thing in the first place. I wanted to meet more positive, active people, and I found them at Cross Fit Silver Spring. I am doing something positive and healthy for my mind, body and spirit, and that needs to be the end game. The rest of it is gravy.

So maybe I, double chins and all, will be on the blog and someone thinking about joining the box will think "I can do this" and try. And if my horrible picture inspires someone to get off their butt and move, well then... my work here is done.

The art of competing... and still maintaining your new friendships

I am participating in an in house Cross Fit throwdown/competition this Saturday.

I am completely petrified.

There are 4 workouts scheduled, 3 of which have been detailed for us already.

They are:

1. 15 minutes to find your 2 rep max thruster
2. For time: 30 front squats at 83 lbs, followed by an 800m run (or in my case, an 800m row) (demo here: http://vimeo.com/74785256) 
3. For time: (demo here: http://vimeo.com/74500403) 
1. 24 24kg KB swings, 12 lateral jump burpees, 12 knees to elbows
2. 18 24kg KB swings, 9 lateral jump burpees, 9 knees to elbows
3. 12 24kg KB swings, 6 lateral jump burpees, 6 knees to elbows
4. We have bets on what the fourth will be. Most likely some sort of carry (suitcase, farmers, goblet, or double rack carry), as heavy as you can for as far as you can go.

I am not petrified for the reasons that you might think; I'm not worried about not finishing, or pooping myself, or anything of that sort. I am worried that my perfectionist tendencies will get the better of me and I'll get really upset if I don't crush everyone in my path. I've only been doing this for about 3 months. 2 if you don't count Elements, and I know, I know, I KNOW how I get when things get competitive. You're talking to the girl who as an 8 year old would throw down her mini golf club if she wasn't winning and declare everything about the game stupid. This runs deep kids, very deep. 

I have a new bud, Tori, who expressed similar worries to me this week. We decided that we are going to keep each other's attitudes in check and get in each other's face should we start to take this way too seriously, and that finishing is what matters. It's about accomplishing all of these things in under a 4 hour period, not necessarily where we place, though I've already decided that I am going for broke on the thrusters. Sorry I'm not sorry. 

The funny part about this is that Tori and I are the same sign (Scorpioooo) and I feel like I intrinsically understand her on a metaphysical level. I usually don't believe too much in all that astrological stuff, but I see parts of myself in people who have birthdays relatively close to mine. I also can tell when someone is a Leo, a Cancer, or a Pisces. It's just about personality and chemistry. I can just tell. 

So that being said, I am hoping that I can get through this throwdown without throwing a temper tantrum and/or falling over and smashing my face on a kettle bell. Or someone else's face with a kettle bell. 

3 month slump?

I wish there was a machine that I could sit in that would melt off the fat that is covering all of my new muscle.

Because I know its in there. When I flex, I can feel it. I can't wait for the day when I shed off this flub like a sexy little butterfly coming out of it's cocoon and can show the world all the hard work that I've been putting in at the gym.

But that being said, it's kind of rewarding to be the weight lifting sleeper at my gym. To be able to say, oh yeah? 103lb thruster? I can do that for reps no problem (well.. limited problems, haha). With people half your weight and five times your experience. I need to focus on that feeling.

I am continuing to propagate the cult of Cross Fit, as a friend of a friend asked me all about it earlier this week and I was more than happy to oblige him with all the information his wee brain could handle. I guess my positive experiences, opennness and energy about this whole process is starting to seep out into the public space so that people feel comfortable asking me about doing this crazy stuff. Then the evil side of my brain creeps in and says "well maybe they think if that lump can do it, I can totally do it." And then I have to have a 10 minute cognitive therapy session with myself to silence that shit pronto.

-------

On a side note: I saw an old flame of mine this week, and it made me realize that I really do want a partner in crime. And if he lived here and not, oh, across the Atlantic, I have a feeling he would be that P.I.C. I need to put myself out there and meet some new folks (and Cross Fit is definitely helping to expand my social circle AND my confidence, so I can actually talk to people that I meet) and get this romance train a'moving.

Trapped in my own body.

Those of a certain age (i.e.: not in college anymore), a certain weight (more than ideal), or a certain mindset (stubborn as hell) will understand the above concept; I was approached by a girl who just finished Elements at the end of August and she gave me a great compliment: "I remember seeing you finish up your workout before our classes started and you always go 120%. It's inspiring." The humble side of me said "you'll get there too, it's about what is in your head, not in your body" because I 1) suck at taking compliments and 2) actually believe that Cross Fit is more mental than physical in a lot of instances.

But I still feel like my body betrays me sometimes. I am not feeling like I am making progress. I don't know if that is the perfectionist in me that is rearing its ugly head, because I know that I am getting stronger, but I want to see that strength and progress in a measurable way. Mostly in weight, and it's not happening.

Like, today, I went to the doctor because I thought I had strep throat. They took my vitals, and weighed me. They started the scale off at 150 (bless their hearts) and I was like, no, you'll need to bump that up. Maybe that was a little compliment, that I don't look like I weigh as much as I do, or they were just being polite. But of course, my mind wanders to the worst possible answer. Then they asked me if I had any blood pressure problems, which I have never had, and I got a little annoyed. Maybe they ask that of people who have a certain BMI automatically? I don't know. With someone whose blood pressure is rarely close to 120/80 (today was 112/71, for example), I know, again, that I am fitter than most people half my size. And fitness is often a measure of weight and inches, not of capacity. And until I figure out a way to make myself believe that I can't limit myself to measuring progress to just those pounds and inches, I feel trapped in my own body.

And I don't know what to do about it.

Green light for unlimited fun...

I casually mentioned to one of the coaches last night that I was thinking about going up to the unlimited class plan at my box and he was like, you kill it, you should definitely do that. I told him my plan to do WODs 2-3 times a week and do olympic lifting 1-2 times a week and he said "MB, you kill it every time. Are you even sore?"

Little does he know, haha.

Truth is, I am sore, but in a "I just kicked ass last night and my body needs to get rid of this lactic acid" kind of way. Some tightness, some joint aches, but all that goes away once I get moving. That's a pretty great feeling, to see that my body is responding appropriately to the hard work I'm putting in.

That being said, I am scared. I am scared that if I move up I will overdo it and not continue, but the fact that I am mindful of my desire to overachieve and potentially overtrain will hopefully keep me in check enough to make the right decision.

I have had multiple people reach out to me in the last few days to tell me how proud and inspired they are about getting a window into my fitness life. I have to say that I feel a little weird, a little braggy, when I talk about this stuff because I don't want people to think I am showing off. Truth be told, I felt a little down after last night's work out and decided to list out what I did on FB as a sort of self affirmation that I need to cut myself some slack. I did more in 60+ minutes that most do in a week, hell, maybe even in a lifetime. When I listed it all out, I felt satisfied, and proud, of what I had accomplished. And it was for no ones edification than my own.

Mostly, I want people to know that you can start getting your body into amazing shape regardless of its current shape. I am proof positive of that. Hell, I am proof that you can be "in shape" even if the shape you see outwardly isn't what is preached to you in every TV show, magazine, movie, billboard, etc. I also want people to know and understand that fitness isn't always expressed by the body you show the world, its the strength that lies within that body. I hope that I inspire people because I am inspired every day by my friends and family who put themselves out there in physical, emotional, and professional ways that make me push myself to the limit more and more. 

And also, reading this article made me feel even better about my journey, because even if I don't feel inspired, I am inspiring people who I look up to.

To which I say, if you see a chunker on the trail busting her hump, or in the gym lifting heavy weights and doing burpees til she can barely suck in oxygen, give them a pat on the back, and tell them that you are impressed with their determination, will, and awesomeness. It will keep that person in the gym until the end of time.

Mean muggin and the art of lifting

I have been trying to take better care of myself lately and by doing so, I have developed a lot of focus and determination in all parts of my life. I am killing it at work, tearing it up with school, and generally a better friend/sister/daughter/person to those around me. And people are starting to notice. But mostly, I notice that I am in a better mood, manage stress better, and have a sharper mind than I did just a few weeks ago.

All of this is in spite of the fact that I am going through some crazy physical therapy for my continued Achilles tendinitis (stretching and strength training with a healthy does of manual scar tissue manipulation, which hurts as much as you think it does) and generally feel like my body is struggling to keep up with my aspirations. I keep going though, and I know it will all pay off. I mean, it already is starting to:

"You are so nice but when you lift you look...... so mean!"

Yesssss! I consider this a success.

I put 113 lbs over my head last night, and deadlifted 153 lbs. And still had a lot left in the tank. I can't wait for next time, when I start throwing people across the gym as part of a workout :)

“You can have results or excuses. Not both.”

I think I might have to get that quote tattooed on my body somewhere. It's pretty damn important to realize that you can make excuses or have results, not both. It took me years to realize that results might not look the way you think they're going to. It might not be reflected in the scale, but maybe in the way your clothes fit, or how strong you become. I was using my lack of weight loss to be an excuse to give up, when I realize that will come in time if I just keep going.

So with that in mind, as I stand, with an 80lb sled in front of me, I decided to just go with it. HAM

And I did.

Doing 4.75 rounds of my WOD (instead of the prescribed 4) with some extra push presses and ball slams thrown in, I felt amazing. And got unsolicited compliments of how strong my last set of presses looked. I also realized that 50 balls slams with a 25lb medicine ball wasn't that bad (I scoffed at my partner when she said, oh let's do the 25er, not the 20).

Seeing that kind of progress is what I need to focus on, and not say, the frustration of not being able to find workout pants that fit my ever changing body shape at Target (which almost lead to a dressing room breakdown at 6pm yesterday). I have gotten so much support from my friends, new and old, CF and no CF, about the work I'm putting in. I know it's paying off and making me mentally and physically stronger. I am more focused in and out of the gym, and I am less scared to go up and talk to people, or to try something new (physical or not). I feel more productive in my work life and that is translating to a stronger, less stressed MB.

What a great way to start off the weekend.

MB OUT!

How to confuse a Cross Fitter: Tell them to bear crawl backwards.

Last night as part of our warm up we were told to bear crawl backwards. I can barely do this going forward, and apparently I'm not the only one. When the coach said to bear crawl backwards... there was a hushed silence in the room, where I'm pretty sure everyone was trying to think about how to complete the mechanics of this exercise.

But somehow we all managed. Until I grazed my cheek with a 20lb kettlebell and miraculously don't have a bruise there. Yet. 

Today I am WODing again, and will see how I feel after 2 days in a row. Today is presses (which I love and haven't done in a while) and other assorted stuff (swings, single unders, and a rack carry). Different exercises than yesterday, so I will be 100% worked out by the end of it, and hopefully only 20% sore tomorrow morning. 

In more exciting news, I am wearing a new dress today that is a size small than I was a few weeks ago. I bought it thinking I could wear it right away, but I didn't like the way it looked on me. Tried it on last night and decided to rock it today. Much to my delight, I have gotten multiple compliments on it. This makes me feel like I am making progress even though I refuse to weight myself. 

I am also seeing a podiatrist tomorrow about my feets, to try and see if I can get an orthotic. I am also wearing my Strassberg socks religiously and can already feel a difference in my feet, ankles, and calves. So even though I look ridiculous when wearing them, I can tell they are working. This, along with a good regimen of icing (after a particularly intense lower body workout, like squats or lunges), or a good muscle soak (love you Pepsom Salt with spearmint) in warm water before  bed, will make the difference. I think that I need to remember to take care of my muscles outside of the gym as I do inside the gym. Stretching will also help facilitate this. Gotta keep on the routine.

Pep Talk

Why is it that relative strangers are easier to believe when they tell you to keep going, that you're doing great, and to not give up? Why is it such a challenge to do this for ourselves? 

While this is probably one of life's great mysteries, slowly but surely I am learning to cut myself some slack and, at the same time, give myself credit for the amazing things I've done. It took a Facebook message from a friend of a friend I had met a few times who has been following my blog from her new home in Germany for me to realize that I am being entirely too hard on myself.

So what if you're sore? You're human.

So what if you're tired? You've done a lot.

So what if you're frustrated? So is EVERYONE.

She helped me get my mindset back to reality, and reminded me that only I know what my limits are, and that I am an inspiration to a lot of people in and out of the gym. And it has nothing to do with how much I can lift, how fast I am, or what size my gym clothes are. 

It's because I'm fearless.

I went into this whole Cross Fit thing because I knew that I could change my brain and my body if I just didn't think about it too much. Taking a few days off, while necessary to get my body back into fighting shape, also made me feel like my mental edge was suffering from a bit of atrophy, which reared it's ugly head yesterday during the Ridiculous Obstacle Challenge I completed with a friend of mine. I am not a runner, and with my Achilles issues, I shouldn't even try to run, but I felt compelled to jog at the beginning because I didn't want people to go by me and think "oh look at the chubby girl.. it's so nice that she's trying."

I am more than trying fools. I am kicking ass, but just not right now.

I almost threw in the towel around the 0.3 mile mark. But luckily I had a positive person with me, who knew that we weren't participating in this to race, but using it as an excuse to get together, do something active, and have a fun time. By the end of the race, I was all for the crazy obstacles, slides, slip n slides, swings, etc. Because I didn't get caught up in the me vs. everyone else bullshit, and that is what has served me so well thus far in Cross Fit. Once that music gets pumping and the WOD gets started, everyone is too busy trying to suck in oxygen to give a crap about what I am doing, and that's how I like it. Let me focus on me, and I will put up awesome numbers. Again, that stupid mental game is the toughest thing to master. 

So I am back at Cross Fit this week, armed with a few new tools in my tool box to help me recover 1 ankle ice/heat pack, 2 Strassburg socks to help with my chronically tight feet and calves, and a doctor's appointment to see about an orthotic. Until the appointment, I am going to actively ask my coaches what I can do that will alleviate stress on my sore joints but still kick my ass. Necessity is the mother of invention, and maybe these modifications are what I need to make other parts of my body and my mind stronger.

I'll close by saying this: Be inspired by those who don't give up even when they want to.

Admitting Defeat... Temporarily

Sometimes I don't know when to push myself and when to stop. I'm pretty sure this endless cycle of "should I or shouldn't I" has lead me to my current predicament, which includes hobbling down stairs until about 12pm when my feet, ankles and calves have loosened up to the point of bending so that I can successfully traverse the various stories of my office without looking like I'm crippled.

I finally decided to go back to the podiatrist and see if an orthotic might help my Achilles tendon problems. I have been stretching, and doing heel raise/lowering exercises, in addition to my other strength routines and mobility exercises, but that doesn't seem to be helping. I bought an ankle ice boot to use after I exercise vigorously (i.e.: Cross Fit) to help reduce inflammation, but I am only marginally sure that will help. I hope I don't need some sort of surgery, as I feel like I am hitting my stride and need to keep going down this path or I'm going to go crazy.

I was told by a long time Cross Fitter that feeling like your joints are revolting against you is normal and that things will get better. "You're in it for the long haul" he said, but I can't help but feel frustrated. This isn't the occasional knee or shoulder twinge. This is every day, and its painful. I guess I need to admit when I'm beaten and do my best to prevent it from getting the best of me, but I can't help feeling like I am trapped in my own body.

I don't act, exercise, eat or feel like I'm in an obese body. I never have, and now I feel like my physical prowess, once again, is mismatched to my body type. I don't see a difference in the way my body is composed since I've started Cross Fit. I thought I did, but this recent round of frustration has made me doubt the progress I thought I saw. And it makes me scared that I am not going to be able to continue this activity that I love because my body isn't capable of what my mind knows I can do.

Man, your mind is one cruel mistress.

Frustration, thy name is MB

Last night I totally felt like throwing in the towel. I knew this moment was coming, but I didn't think it would happen so quickly.

I am having massive achilles tendon issues and I know that I need to spend some quality time with my lacrosse ball, the wall, and on the floor stretching, de-knotting, and loosening. I also feel like a complete sped with the fact that I row instead of fun, mostly because of the joint pain, not because I don't have the cardio capacity. I am trying not to get upset with myself, and know that this is all part of the process.

But it's tough for a perfectionist like me.

I talked to a friend of mine who has been doing Cross Fit for a while and he told me this is all normal. That I need to take it for what it is, go slow, and build, so that this is an activity I can do for the next 30 years of my life. But I want to be the best at everything I do from the word go, and it's tough.

So here I go, back again tomorrow, hoping for an upper body lift and no running.

Cheat Day Beat Day

Today was my full on cheat day. I worked out and ate super clean yesterday, so I decided to let myself slack a bit on the Paleo thing, just for one day.

For the record, I feel like garbage.

After last night's workout (shout out to Marmo who came with me to observe and put the fear of pooping herself mid workout to rest), a group of us went to Whole Foods and stunk up the joint by eating meat meat meat and veggies veggies veggies. Side note: I drank a 1.5L bottle of Fiji water, which was only $2, so either WF got more reasonable, I got too used to the West coast prices and am having East coast pricing re-entry shock, or this was rung up incorrectly by the cashier.

I was asked, mid Kale feast, to ballpark how many calories I think I burn in an average Cross Fit session (warm up, skill, and conditioning combined). I ball parked it at anywhere between 700 and 1000 calories, and honestly, I think that might be low. I used to burn 450 calories on a moderate to moderately intense day on the elliptical, and that 30 minutes isn't even in the same atmosphere as the stuff I'm doing now, so as a baseline, I think I'm somewhat in the range.

This means I need to feed the beast before and after WODs. With the right food, or else I feel like ass; the same way I feel right now, even though I didn't eat a lot today, what I ate was shit, and you are what you eat I guess.

I know that you should give yourself a cheat day every now and then to make sure you don't binge and feel completely guilty afterwards, but I am not sure that my black and white, all or nothing thinking, perfectionist brain can wrap itself around that concept. I do better when I have momentum; in this case, several days/weeks in a row of good eating, WODing, and good rest. I am now sitting here, with a slight stomach ache (not muscular, thank youuuu), and feeling completely guilty and ashamed of what I ate today.

This needs to stop.

Somehow, I have to get it through my head that you're allowed to have a bad day, whatever that might entail. I just need to know that moment to moment, I can change the day that I'm having by making the next choice a good one; for my brain, for my body, for my life. So maybe that is another goal to add to the list.

I'm a pusher

I am taking a friend of mine to my WOD tonight so she can see the process in all its glory. She, like me, gets freaked out more by the unknown than the known, so I think this will be a good chance for her to see Cross Fit in action, ask some questions afterwards, and then go to Whole Foods to feast on some paleo treats with my comrade in sweat E-dawg. 

I get excited, and nervous, all at the same time at this prospect. Like, a lil nervous tummy action as I type this, but I know it will pass. I hope she loves it as much as I do. 

Mental Game Part Deux

The mind game continues.

Most boxes put up their workouts the night before (or early day of). Some people use this as a way to decide whether or not they are going to workout that day. I use it for preparation: which shoes should I bring (if we are running), how much should I eat (if we have a chipper, I am going to eat more cumulatively throughout the day to have the energy), do I need to take up my achilles (for squatting, running, etc). It's looking like my schedule will be MWF 6:30pm for working out, and subbing in a Saturday at 10am should Friday not look like it's in the cards. I checked out the WOD early yesterday morning, and was like, cool, running, but sprints. Texted my CF buds to be like, SEE YA AT 6:30 SUCKERS, and went about my day.

I get to the box (first one for my workout, typical) so I can roll out, warm up, stretch, etc. I look on the board and to my surprise: L1 and Sweat conditioning workouts were the same: 1 Mile Run! That ungodly exclamation point was like Josh's (the owner) way of saying "Haha! Gotcha! You're here and signed in! YOU'RE DOING IT." As someone who doesn't advocate running long distances, I was surprised, but he said he does this every month or so to give people the chance to see how they have progressed against their last run. Makes sense. He also said that he doesn't always put real WODs on the website, because he knew if he put 1 miles run, no one would show up. So everyone will run one mile this week. We just checked that box early. And I'm not going to tell you when it will happen so you don't obsess over it for the entire day only to potentially psych yourself out. AGAIN.. that mental toughness is sometimes acquired via fearlessness, and that you will just do what they tell you to do without having a lot of time to think about the task ahead. Smart, but scary too. 

After a warm up of 3 rounds of handstands (as long as you can hold them), 15 swings, 5 goblet squats, a set of pushups (as many as you can do) and a bear crawl, we decided to start the actual workout. yeesh.

Push presses for the newbies today, and I put up 85 for 4 reps. I had more in the tank, and on 1 RM day for that lift I am going to kill it. I told several folks that my goal is to be on the board, and they were sufficiently jazzed at the prospect. It's a good goal to have, and one that I am pretty close to reaching. 

I mentally prepared for the toil of running, and approached Josh and said that I was probably going to race walk/jog, not run, even though I know it's for time, because I didn't want to screw up my achilles anymore. He said, oh you're going to row, don't worry about it. Rowing, while a different kind of torture, is less torture to me because all of my connective bits in my legs don't get thoroughly abused, but I still get one hell of a full body workout (lats, arm, booty, legs, etc). So while everyone went outside and warmed up with a few jogs up and down the hill, I sat, did a few strokes, strapped in and waited. Waited. Waited. GO! I start rowing (with a 12 person Elements class behind me), and at that point it's just me and the music. Stroke. Stroke. Burn. Ow, DONT FORGET TO BREATHE. Stroke. Stroke. Josh comes in and says ok: go to 1K. Awesome! I thought I was going to have to do 1600m (metric mile), so I am excited at the prospect. But the thing is, my ears heard what he said, but my brain didn't process it til much later. When I hit about 1200m. Thank goodness I had made a mental note of my 1K split time (a horrendous 5:54), but I kept going because I had more in the tank. I finally stopped at about 1400 and went outside to cheer on the remainder of my comrades who were crossing the finish line, where I told Josh the above story. Of course his response was "I ain't mad at ya for doing more." I felt good, winded and sweaty but great. 

Everyone stayed, including all the vets to cheer on the relative newbies as they crossed the finish line, which was really touching (even one guy, who I don't think would've known me from Eve, was like "There are at least 2 more people running, we gotta stay." That's classy folks)

For the record: Cross Fitters can run. We had several just over 5 minute miles in our group, and in other workouts throughout the day. So there.

Last word on the mental game for now. Some surprisingly great advice from.... Jennifer Aniston about mental game and happiness:

"If you're not happy, you can become happy. Happiness is a choice. That's the thing I really feel. Like with friends who refuse to get happy, who refuse to rise above the discomfort of where they're at."

Preach.

Mental game

I got into a pretty in depth discussion with not one but two of my ladies last night about mental game. About psyching yourself out before you do something, and getting so scared the fear almost (or in some cases, does) keeps you from doing something that you have gotten excited for. A friend of mine who is looking to try Cross Fit is so freaked out to try she has to do deep belly breaths. I have invited her to watch a WOD so that she can get an idea of what we do, with the rationale that your brain can often imagine things are way worse than what reality is. My other friend, who went through Elements with me,

It's a fine line between excitement and fear, believe me, I understand. Maybe because I expect things to be difficult, I go into a workout (in the case of my discussions last night) knowing it's going to be hard. And what is the worst that happens? I don't finish it as prescribed (or RXed)? I fall over and get back up? I have strangers cheer me on to get that last swing/rep/push up/stride?

Doesn't sound that awful to me.

The importance of mental fitness is one that was echoed in the daily blog from my box, which was all about mental game (visit http://cfsilverspring.com/wordpress/ to read it). I couldn't agree with this more. Your body is capable of a lot of stuff, more than you'd ever imagine; your mind that is often the limiting factor. And if you go into any activity, including Cross Fit, looking to better yourself and not measure yourself constantly against others, you're going to win the physical and the mental game.

I know a lot about negative self talk. I used to beat myself down mentally all the time. It kept me from speaking up for myself in relationships, friendships, at work, and at school. It kept me from trying all the crazy things that I have been yearning to do for years. It made me super depressed until I got a small piece of advice from a health care professional (yeah, I went to therapy. For years. And I aced it!): Would you talk to a friend, or even a stranger, the way you talk to yourself? I mean, would you really? Not out of spite or anger after a fight, but in every day conversation if they told you their goals and what they were doing to reach them? Would you ever say "Oh that's insane, you can never do that. Don't even try, it's just going to be embarrassing."

No.

Almost NO ONE WOULD. So why do you talk to yourself like that? Because we are all our own worst critics. And while that will probably never go away completely, you can catch yourself in those moments and decide to think positively. Just like anything else, it will become habit, and you will find yourself mentally and emotionally more fit.

If that doesn't work, find an "MB" in your life. I use myself as an example because apparently people find my energy motivating, and not in a way that is too irritating. I am much better at cheering on and motivating others than I am at motivating myself. If I get to the activity I am going to do, I know that I will be motivated by the people around me, whether verbally, or just energy-wise. And I feel like it is my duty to also motivate those people, not only to cheer them up but to push them forward. I'm happy to do it, I get a lot of joy out of it, and it helps me realize that support goes both ways, especially when you're doing crazy feats of physical fitness.

Like planking with a 25 to 45 lb plate on your back for 25 seconds at a time.


OH! And I almost forget.  My first callous:

His name is Josh. After the owner of my box.

Hehe that sounded dirty. Happy Tuesday all!

Stop the presses

I know why there are so many people out there that think Cross Fit causes injuries/is dangerous/hate on it so much:

It's because the people who Cross Fit are a different breed of people.

They are missing (or ignore) that little part of their brain that indicates discomfort. They push themselves harder than most people do in the gym, and are more sore/fatigued because of it, but yet, they finish the damn workout even if they feel like their quads and glutes might just set themselves aflame just to end it. I know, for me, one of the reasons that I love this activity is because almost no one quits. And by almost no one, I mean, I'm sure there are people who have to stop one of the activities at some point, but I haven't seen it. And when they are done kicking their own ass, they make sure you finish, whether its by cheering you on from a distance, running next to you to give you a pacer to finish that last hill climb, patting you on the back during your rest period, or take your bells in after you dragged your ass across the finish line because they're just as proud that you finished as you are (personal experience).

This sick and twisted sense of perseverance is probably the same sense that keeps people training when they should be resting. That's been my hardest mental hurdle, knowing when to say when. I can totally see getting sucked into the CF lifestyle see it? I'm pretty much living it), getting to know the people at your box, and not wanting to let them down when you're too sore for a workout but go anyway because you feel obligated to do so not only for yourself but for the people you see every Monday/Wednesday afternoon at 5:30 or every Thursday at 6am. It's more than a gym, its a community, and you don't want to disappoint people. Because your cheering and antics might be the difference between someone quitting and someone finishing. I know that I pushed the other ladies in my Elements class to put more weight on the bar because I know that's the only way I got stronger. They push me to run faster and I know it will pay off.

I have been telling myself this: your peoples will be more disappointed when you end up in full traction after overdoing it than they will be if you say hey: I'm just going to barbell club this week, my feet are completely screwed up from those shuttle runs and I need a few days.

It is working so far, but that urge to WOD is strong. But not til tomorrow. Not til tomorrow.

You #($*@ing did it

Since about 9pm yesterday this song has been in my head:

I completed my last Elements class for Cross Fit last night. This is the 8th class I've been to and I am constantly surprised at how much I can do, and how much others can do. I am also surprised by the kindness and spirit of the people who I work out with, and how I have become more mentally tough than I ever thought I could be.

Last night's class was a mash up of all things scary and horrible: get ups get ups get ups, kicking your legs over your head to hold a handstand against a wall til you can't handle it anymore, followed by attempting to walk on your hands down the wall, followed by a lame attempt at a handstand push up. Then, push jerks til your arms fell off. And after that, we got our "long conditioning WOD because well it was about time" -- Mr. Josh. Shuttle runs, carries and swings. run 200m, 20 swings (16KG), 100m goblet carry (16KG), run 300m, 15 swings (16KG), 100m goblet carry (16KG), 400m run, 10 swings (16KG), 100m goblet carry.

I came in last.

But I didn't stop, and I didn't cheat. I didn't whine, I just kept going. And damned it if pretty much everyone waited for me to finish (only was 2 minutes behind everyone else), cheered me on, and carried by kettlebell into the box for me when I was done. 

Pretty amazing feeling.

This brings me to my next point:

This has never been more true than for me. I might be last, but I'm out there doing it, and every time I finish I am one step closer to my insane goals. Which are as follows:

- Drop 3 dress sizes

- Get on the board for at least 1 lift

- Kick up into a handstand, no more of this wall walking crap

- Do a handstand push up

- Do a handstand walk

- Deadlift my body weight

- Go to Cross Fit 3 times a week.

- Do 5 REAL pushups. 

The list will get bigger, and I think I have a real shot at doing all of these things. Its amazing. 

Thanks for all of you who helped push me through these last few weeks. And thanks to those who continue to give me positive reinforcement. 

GOOOOOOOOALS!

As Cross Fit elements comes to a close (Wednesday is our last official class as a group, even though I have a make up from being away in Vegas last week), we are supposed to identify a few measurable goals that we want to reach. I have become friends with a few women in my class and I am going to propose that we exchange goals for the end of the year to hold each other accountable.

I've decided to put three goals out there:

1) Drop 2-3 dress sizes. This is much more important than weight loss for me because clearly, with as much weight training as I will be doing, I will gain weight before I lose it.

2) I want my name on the board for a lift. The top 3 male and female lifts (per weight) are on the board in the gym. I want to get on the board for at least 1 of them, if not more. I am thinking either deadlift or some sort of press (strict press or push press).

3) I will go to Cross Fit 3 times a week and be around to motivate my classmates and accept their motivation and criticism.

I am proud of myself for continuing to push myself beyond what I thought my limits were. I actually am more proud of the fact that I know when to pull back and not hurt myself or push myself too far. I felt weak and shaky after my 2nd sled push (which I did entirely too fast) and gave myself a timeout. I wasn't afraid to know my limits and step back so I had some left in the tank for this week. That is a big step for me because my brain often doesn't know my body's limit. So here's to much mind-body connections!